Had a fight with my husband last night. I was totally calm and he was yelling at me. It worked not getting emotional because he finally stopped when I said, "Well do you love me?". He was actually telling me I couldn't call him on his s**t. I said, "So you don't want to be friends anymore?" I also pointed out that he calls me out all the time. Before I asked about the love he was about to rip me a new one I think. I said, "Careful." He ending up stopping dead in his tracks, apologized, and said, "This is dumb. We're better than that." Good thing. I will still be patient with him and watch and see if he helps himself out of alcohol abuse. I know it's very hard coming into a house with a teenager and him wanting to help. Of course he is moved to, but he's not his responsibility. I've raised my son this whole time and I've done alright. He admitted about using alcohol to cope. You all know how I feel about this "disease". I know he needs to face "the man in the mirror" but he can't do that if he's abusing booze. Maybe he never will. Probably won't give up drinking. I don't expect that. I can't live with it though and I will loose my love for him if he can't even love himself. That's not "my bad". Oh well maybe I'll end up single again. That's o.k. I will be fine. In the meantime I will do my thing and not live in denial and won't allow that in my life. He's a stand up guy and I will be patient for now. Maybe give Al-anon another try. Different group maybe?
Had a fight with my husband last night. I was totally calm and he was yelling at me. It worked not getting emotional because he finally stopped when I said, "Well do you love me?". He was actually telling me I couldn't call him on his s**t. I said, "So you don't want to be friends anymore?" I also pointed out that he calls me out all the time. Before I asked about the love he was about to rip me a new one I think. I said, "Careful." He ending up stopping dead in his tracks, apologized, and said, "This is dumb. We're better than that." Good thing. I will still be patient with him and watch and see if he helps himself out of alcohol abuse. I know it's very hard coming into a house with a teenager and him wanting to help. Of course he is moved to, but he's not his responsibility. I've raised my son this whole time and I've done alright. He admitted about using alcohol to cope. You all know how I feel about this "disease". I know he needs to face "the man in the mirror" but he can't do that if he's abusing booze. Maybe he never will. Probably won't give up drinking. I don't expect that. I can't live with it though and I will loose my love for him if he can't even love himself. That's not "my bad". Oh well maybe I'll end up single again. That's o.k. I will be fine. In the meantime I will do my thing and not live in denial and won't allow that in my life. He's a stand up guy and I will be patient for now. Maybe give Al-anon another try. Different group maybe?
So I am being very open and upfront with him. I have already told him I can't live like this. So he's actually not drunk yesterday when he came home, but, he was cranky for sure! He said he was "just tierd" but I know it's because drinking makes him happy and if he's not drinking all day long it's not so fun for him. When I was dating him he used to be a "beer snob". He never drank Vodka nor cheep beer. Now he'll drink anything. He's still in denial I think, but I just talk to him like he knows. He does. I have not nor will not call him an alcoholic. If I divorce him I will say it in the proceedings though, because Its true. But I am not going to judge. If it makes him happy, fine. He gave me $400 cash yesterday towards the household bills, so at least he's boning up the cash. He is functional as he can be. He actually started composing yesterday, I see it here on his music stand. Maybe his struggle with alcohol abuse is just part of him and his music too. I never thought I would change him, it's just I was shoked when he started abusing alcohol after 3 1/2 months of being married to him. I wonder if he ruined his first marriage from alcohol abuse. Maybe marriage to him is the man drinks and the woman puts up with it. Don't most men in this country drink beers every night and think they are "ok"? Anyway the communication lines are open and I only tell him important stuff when he's not been drinking. So I give him the benefit of the doubt that he is a good person. Like I said, I just can't live with it because I wake up in the middle of the night crying and angry and upset in general. It's my own hang up. I have a problem with alcoholics, even though I've always had them in my family and friends. But for a husband? That's a stretch. I met with my friend yesterday who was the same since Junior HIgh. She's been on the wagon for over 5 years now. She told me AA didn't help her but it was this other group. I've prayed for her for over 20 years. She is doing great! She went off a year ago, got loaded, then was hung for 2 days. She said she didn't like it at all. She knows she didn't grow up and now she has. Wow! I am so proud of her. But her tyrannical, falling off and on the wagon, husband hasn't worked in 2 years and turning more and more into a d-wad. She won't dump him. He's a womanizer and a mysigonist.But anyway she told me that she did things drunk that she never would have done straight. I don't want to see my husband do those things to me. But, then again, I kinda don't believe her. I think maybe she would've done some of those things because of her anger. Anyhow, I don't know. In general I think most men don't pick up the slack, regardless, and somehow it's the woman's fault. Always the woman's fault. Unless you are Peg Bundy(or the like, as in the drunken housewife), you will end up doing 80% of everything, including wages and paying bills, being a married woman. The statistics show that being married is good for the man, bad for the woman. It's been that way for many years. Dating is so much more beneficial for the woman, as long as he's fixed! Haha! Keep on dating ladies, but don't get sucked in unless you like being a martyr (mother).
So I am being very open and upfront with him. I have already told him I can't live like this. So he's actually not drunk yesterday when he came home, but, he was cranky for sure! He said he was "just tierd" but I know it's because drinking makes him happy and if he's not drinking all day long it's not so fun for him. When I was dating him he used to be a "beer snob". He never drank Vodka nor cheep beer. Now he'll drink anything. He's still in denial I think, but I just talk to him like he knows. He does. I have not nor will not call him an alcoholic. If I divorce him I will say it in the proceedings though, because Its true. But I am not going to judge. If it makes him happy, fine. He gave me $400 cash yesterday towards the household bills, so at least he's boning up the cash. He is functional as he can be. He actually started composing yesterday, I see it here on his music stand. Maybe his struggle with alcohol abuse is just part of him and his music too. I never thought I would change him, it's just I was shoked when he started abusing alcohol after 3 1/2 months of being married to him. I wonder if he ruined his first marriage from alcohol abuse. Maybe marriage to him is the man drinks and the woman puts up with it. Don't most men in this country drink beers every night and think they are "ok"? Anyway the communication lines are open and I only tell him important stuff when he's not been drinking. So I give him the benefit of the doubt that he is a good person. Like I said, I just can't live with it because I wake up in the middle of the night crying and angry and upset in general. It's my own hang up. I have a problem with alcoholics, even though I've always had them in my family and friends. But for a husband? That's a stretch. I met with my friend yesterday who was the same since Junior HIgh. She's been on the wagon for over 5 years now. She told me AA didn't help her but it was this other group. I've prayed for her for over 20 years. She is doing great! She went off a year ago, got loaded, then was hung for 2 days. She said she didn't like it at all. She knows she didn't grow up and now she has. Wow! I am so proud of her. But her tyrannical, falling off and on the wagon, husband hasn't worked in 2 years and turning more and more into a d-wad. She won't dump him. He's a womanizer and a mysigonist.But anyway she told me that she did things drunk that she never would have done straight. I don't want to see my husband do those things to me. But, then again, I kinda don't believe her. I think maybe she would've done some of those things because of her anger. Anyhow, I don't know. In general I think most men don't pick up the slack, regardless, and somehow it's the woman's fault. Always the woman's fault. Unless you are Peg Bundy(or the like, as in the drunken housewife), you will end up doing 80% of everything, including wages and paying bills, being a married woman. The statistics show that being married is good for the man, bad for the woman. It's been that way for many years. Dating is so much more beneficial for the woman, as long as he's fixed! Haha! Keep on dating ladies, but don't get sucked in unless you like being a martyr (mother).
Al-anon did teach a few valuable lessons that I took away from it. Like you, I didn't drink the cool-aid! My goal from Al-anon was to listen and observe. Al-anon teaches the non-alcoholic ways to exist within the relationship, tolerance, patience and recognition of your own limits. So, like you, I learned from the lessons and came to a point where I made the decision to begin divorce proceedings (Oh, yeah, they're going quite well, very manageable and her continued risky and dangerous behavior is helping with this quite nicely. Thanks for asking:) ) The point being that my own experience, to the shock, horror and awe to the Al-anon folks was to conscientiously decide that what she was doing was bullshit and that being a person with little or no self discipline, her behaviors were negatively and detrimentally impacting our lives, that is me and the two boys. The funny part is that I'm sure some of the other al-anon patrons may have been inspired by my decision and taken the situation in thier own hands and had the same kind of epitome (yay, that night we all had punch and cookies, not cool-aid!)
Therefore, divorce based on irreconcilable differences. She wants to be fucked up all the time, this is fucking up our good time and our stability and we (me and the boys) simply don't want any part of this.
About you...
If while you were dating, he hid his drinking or you otherwise didn't have a clue that he was this way, great. The good news is you were tricket but it was through no fault of your own. On the other hand if you thought for one second that you were going to change him, aw shit. You should definitely know better than this.
I know you well enough to know that you're strong but will flagellate yourself in a most catholic way over a thing that you had no fault in. Yes, you will allow someone that close again. Hopefully that person will have a healtier perspective and a higher self esteem.
You and me, we need a three hour crucial coffee in the worst way.
I gotta get kids on the bus and get going to work. I want to pick this up again later with you, preferrably by phone. I'll send you an e-mail or something with the house number.
You take care and don't kick yourself in the ass too hard. You'll sprain a knee.
Bonnster, I call bullshit! (places card on table)
Al-anon did teach a few valuable lessons that I took away from it. Like you, I didn't drink the cool-aid! My goal from Al-anon was to listen and observe. Al-anon teaches the non-alcoholic ways to exist within the relationship, tolerance, patience and recognition of your own limits. So, like you, I learned from the lessons and came to a point where I made the decision to begin divorce proceedings (Oh, yeah, they're going quite well, very manageable and her continued risky and dangerous behavior is helping with this quite nicely. Thanks for asking:) ) The point being that my own experience, to the shock, horror and awe to the Al-anon folks was to conscientiously decide that what she was doing was bullshit and that being a person with little or no self discipline, her behaviors were negatively and detrimentally impacting our lives, that is me and the two boys. The funny part is that I'm sure some of the other al-anon patrons may have been inspired by my decision and taken the situation in thier own hands and had the same kind of epitome (yay, that night we all had punch and cookies, not cool-aid!)
Therefore, divorce based on irreconcilable differences. She wants to be fucked up all the time, this is fucking up our good time and our stability and we (me and the boys) simply don't want any part of this.
About you...
If while you were dating, he hid his drinking or you otherwise didn't have a clue that he was this way, great. The good news is you were tricket but it was through no fault of your own. On the other hand if you thought for one second that you were going to change him, aw shit. You should definitely know better than this.
I know you well enough to know that you're strong but will flagellate yourself in a most catholic way over a thing that you had no fault in. Yes, you will allow someone that close again. Hopefully that person will have a healtier perspective and a higher self esteem.
You and me, we need a three hour crucial coffee in the worst way.
I gotta get kids on the bus and get going to work. I want to pick this up again later with you, preferrably by phone. I'll send you an e-mail or something with the house number.
You take care and don't kick yourself in the ass too hard. You'll sprain a knee.
Al-anon is a cult. I a not a co-dependant, nor a control freak, nor have low self-esteem...so..where do I go from here? I want a group or counseling to help me through the grief. I know I have to kick him out. My heart is so broken. I have already made up my mind so the problem is how to tell him. It would be nice if I would've had a honeymoon period. He's just always drinking, and gone or depressed (gone mentally). I sometimes feel like I am being punished for daring to love and trust again. I shall get single and remain single for the rest of my life. I never want to try this again. I a destined to be alone because I refuse to take abuse. People are so messed up. If I can't have the love of my life love me back I must be cursed. BTW..I have been perfect in every way throughout this marriage. I still can't win. Perfection. I will never allow anyone this close again. Bottom line is I feel used.
Al-anon is a cult. I a not a co-dependant, nor a control freak, nor have low self-esteem...so..where do I go from here? I want a group or counseling to help me through the grief. I know I have to kick him out. My heart is so broken. I have already made up my mind so the problem is how to tell him. It would be nice if I would've had a honeymoon period. He's just always drinking, and gone or depressed (gone mentally). I sometimes feel like I am being punished for daring to love and trust again. I shall get single and remain single for the rest of my life. I never want to try this again. I a destined to be alone because I refuse to take abuse. People are so messed up. If I can't have the love of my life love me back I must be cursed. BTW..I have been perfect in every way throughout this marriage. I still can't win. Perfection. I will never allow anyone this close again. Bottom line is I feel used.
Awww...Bonnn...This wasn't supposed to have happened to you. Damn it!
But you are right in staying emtionally detached...it diffuses many an unnecessary fight.
Then there's the honeymoon cycle. The alco is bad, then really apologetic, then willing to make it all up to you, at any cost. And so it goes on and on.
I guessed you've looked into co-dependency, enabling etc. Opened my eyes, working with boss(giving up grog) and his wife; they taught me so much.
Best of luck...mwah!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was just about to post this and my phone rang. Was that fkn flatmate...the one in the poem. I have literally told it to FUCK OFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not answered any calls when I see its number, or answered absentmindedly and hung up, like I did just then...for 2years!
They have no pride, no comprehension of how people really feel about them...or care what people think, for that matter.
They don't get it...coz they can't; their wiring is wrong.
You can take the alcohol out of the fruit-cake...but you still have the fruitcake.
Awww...Bonnn...This wasn't supposed to have happened to you. Damn it!
But you are right in staying emtionally detached...it diffuses many an unnecessary fight.
Then there's the honeymoon cycle. The alco is bad, then really apologetic, then willing to make it all up to you, at any cost. And so it goes on and on.
I guessed you've looked into co-dependency, enabling etc. Opened my eyes, working with boss(giving up grog) and his wife; they taught me so much.
Best of luck...mwah!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was just about to post this and my phone rang. Was that fkn flatmate...the one in the poem. I have literally told it to FUCK OFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not answered any calls when I see its number, or answered absentmindedly and hung up, like I did just then...for 2years!
They have no pride, no comprehension of how people really feel about them...or care what people think, for that matter.
They don't get it...coz they can't; their wiring is wrong.
You can take the alcohol out of the fruit-cake...but you still have the fruitcake.
I've lost a few friends to their addictions using alcohol (or drugs or both) to cope with their demons. It's hard to let go of them but in the end I knew I could never help them until they were really ready to help themselves. They may hate me for leaving but I got to a point where I couldn't stay around and keep watching them continue as they were. Plus you're right, can't keep living with it. Makes it hard for everyone.
I've lost a few friends to their addictions using alcohol (or drugs or both) to cope with their demons. It's hard to let go of them but in the end I knew I could never help them until they were really ready to help themselves. They may hate me for leaving but I got to a point where I couldn't stay around and keep watching them continue as they were. Plus you're right, can't keep living with it. Makes it hard for everyone.
I wish you luck but more than that I wish you focus and clarity regardless of the force with which some emotions come, from the situations and circumstances that will bring you to those places where it is easy to lose that focus and clarity.
Been there, Bonnster, but you already know that.
I wish you luck but more than that I wish you focus and clarity regardless of the force with which some emotions come, from the situations and circumstances that will bring you to those places where it is easy to lose that focus and clarity.
